Zee's diary: God never loved me

 

Here, I'll tell you why I gave up on God and on life.

I was having the best two years of my life, when suddenly, God decided to let the devil into my life to destroy my happiness.

I was 22, and in law school when I met a chubby, dark skinned stud at an eatery around the school. I still remember that beautiful day. I sat at my table eating my spaghetti and turkey, when he walked up to me with his tray of food and requested to sit with me. "Sure you can", I said courteously. He sat and ate in silence for about five minutes, then he broke the silence. "My name is Esosa, and I'm a businessman. I came around the law school for a business meeting. I had to hurriedly come in here to get food to eat just immediately after the meeting", he said. "Hmm okay", I replied in reluctance. He didn't give up, he asked "may I meet you?"

I smiled and replied "my name is Zainab. I'm a student in the law school here, and I'm just here to eat after a stressful day in school. This might not be important, but I'd love to add that I'm a podcaster."

His face beamed with smiles as he saw the passion in my face when I mentioned being a podcaster. "Oh that's great. It's a pleasure meeting you. I must confess, you're really beautiful. Do you mind going out on a dinner date with me?", he asked, and put his palms together in a way to signify pleas. I chuckled and said "okay. I think Friday should be fine, as it's a lecture free day for me"

"Thank you very much. Here's my complimentary card. Text me when you get home. Lest I forget, please what's your podcast address? I'd love to listen to you talk." I spelt out the address while he typed it on his phone and bookmarked it for when he got home.

I smiled. His interest in listening to my podcasts was so attractive.

He called on the waiter and asked for an estimate of his bills and mine. I asked him to not pay, but he insisted. "Thank you", I said with a sheepish smile. My weave fell to my face when I bowed my head a little. I was shy.

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The night of the following day, I texted him on WhatsApp to say thank you for the time at the eatery. Jokes on me. I liked him already and had to just seize that opportunity to hear from him again.

He was really excited to hear from me. He thanked me for reaching out, saying "after waiting for a long while, you finally texted. I thought I wouldn't get to hear from you again." We had a light conversation and finally bid each other goodnight at 11pm. I had a class the following day, and needed every minute of sleep I could get.

Friday night came, and I was out with Esosa at De Place Lounge at 7pm. He was indeed a cheerful person. I had the best time of my life(no exaggeration) that night. He kept me busy and entertained the whole time. We spoke about our careers; my law career and his business career. He told me about how he strived to get to where he was at that time. He was really hardworking and purposeful. It was evident in how he talked about his business and how busy he always got. He was someone who always had to be on his phone, keeping abreast with his various business, but he kept his phone away all the while. "I can't remember the last time asides when I am asleep, I spent over two hours without making a phone call", he said with an uncertain look on his face. "Thank you", he said, looking down into his plate and avoiding my face. I rubbed his formed fist on the table, then he looked up and smiled.

That was the beginning of our blissful relationship. He loved me like humans love to breathe air. Despite his busy schedule, he still made time for me, and everytime he was with me, he tried his very best to dedicate every moment to me. He made sure we went on dinner dates, at least twice every month.

I won't forget the one time I was suffering from terrible menstrual cramps. He came around with a pack of gifts: sanitary pads, a bottle of red wine, packs of chocolate cookies, pain reliever and a note for me. My pains were suspended for the five minutes I went through the gifts. The note read, "my dear baby, I wish I could help you bear these pains instead of seeing you this way. I hope this makes you happy even as you go through these pains. I pray the pains subside after you use the drugs and take sips of wine. I learnt it works for cramps. You're a happy soul and I always want to see those smiles on your face. Get well soon, love, xoxo❤." I smiled through the excruciating pain.

He sat beside me on my bed and kissed my forehead. He moved into the kitchen and boiled water to run a bath for me.

He came back into the room and helped me take my clothes off.I felt really shy, but I needed the help. I dragged myself into the bathroom and had my bath with the warm-nearly hot water. I felt a lot better. I spent about twenty minutes in the bathroom; he asked that I used up every drop of the warm water.

I got out of the bathroom and saw a bowl of noodles on the table. He prepared noodles for me. "Love in Tokyo", I thought. I felt relieved at that point and was able to walk conveniently. I hugged him very tightly.

The noodles were really tasty but spicy. It seemed like he had used up all the pepper in my kitchen.

I never mention Esosa because he was taken away from me.

We already had our lives planned out together. The future was already bright for him. His businesses were successful and I was already making success in my career. He helped me secure a job at SMILE.

Just one day, I saw my whole life crumble before me, literally.

Esosa fell ill suddenly. He rarely fell sick. In the two year we courted, he was ill just once, and it was malaria. This time, it was a really serious illness that weighed him down, so much that he couldn't preside over his business for weeks. I couldn't even concentrate for those weeks.

He had several tests run on him to decipher what the matter was with him, but all to no avail. He wasn't responding to treatment.

In the third week of his illness, I sat beside him on his hospital bed, crying and praying that God would do a miracle. I had called my mum in the second week and told her about his health, and she promised to pray for him. I know she did. I even fasted for seven days for his health to get back to normal, but my supplications to God fell on deaf ears.

I sat beside him, hoping that God would finally show mercy since people say He's never late in any situation.

Esosa held my hand. His hand felt warm and frail. The one time chubby and lively Esosa, laid down there looking lean and sad. He looked into my eyes and tried to talk, but words failed him. He couldn't utter a word. He had no strength to articulate words. I used my palm to cover his mouth after seeing him struggle to talk for some seconds. 

Finally, he was able to mutter a few words. "Zee, thank you for being the best thing in my life. I love you, and even as I take my last breath, I feel fulfilled for I loved you wholeheartedly and genuinely. Though I may never be with you again in the physical, be assured that I'd always be with you" 

I was left speechless and rivers of tears flowed down my cheeks.

I looked back at his face to speak empty words of encouragement to him, but this time, his eyes were plain white, his hands became cold all of a sudden, and his body, stiff.

I couldn't think of anything. "Nurse!!!", I screamed. A nurse came running with a stethoscope on her neck. She placed it on his neck to listen to his heartbeat. She checked his pulse, and closed her eyes in resignation. She placed the cover cloth over his face and said "I'm sorry. Be strong", and pat me on the shoulder.

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God did this intentionally, just to make me suffer. The only love for me in the universe was gone, in the grave. God watched death snatch him away from me; yet the pastor always says "God loves you"

 I died inside. The life I live at the moment is what I do not even understand. I never mention Esosa because every time I do, the incident comes back afresh in my head and lasts for weeks.